Of course this column can't get started without the weekly Britney Weddingate news.
Gawker reports that Britney will be throwing her soon-to-be hubby a bachelor party at the Real World suite at the Palms hotel in Las Vegas.
With the wedding happening anytime between now and November, the media is really starting to buzz over the nuptial necessities.
For instance: Aren't the groomsmen supposed to throw the bachelor party? And how declasse can a celebrity couple be--renting a room that's already been defiled by seven strangers picked to live in a loft?
According to Star magazine, the wedding ceremony itself will be so undercover, it'll leave the CIA scratching its head.
Allegedly, the planner has been calling the people on the guest list, refusing to give her name, and alerting them that on the day the of the deed they will receive a call instructing them where and when to meet and giving them a secret word.
When they arrive at said mysterious locale, their identities will be checked, and knowledge of the secret word will be key. Later, security will shuttle the guests to the actual location, but they can gain access to the shuttle only once security has once again verified their identities.
Genius! Now, the media will never know how to find the location. I mean, it's not like a gigantic gathering of Louisianans named Joe Bob and Roberta Jo is ever going to tip off the Enquirer.
Clever girl!Speaking of Southern ingenuity, kudos must be given to first twin Jenna Bush for proving that nothing, not even two double-sided steel doors, can stand in between that girl and her Cuervo.
According to the New York Daily News, Jenna (the cute one) was partying at Club 17 late last week when somehow she became trapped in the elevators.
Not one to waste her Texan education, Jenna proved that even chopsticks could be used as a weapon of mass destruction. She used one to pry the doors open and celebrated her success with shots of tequila.
Gawker hails her as a "drunken MacGyver."
Moore 'Garden State' news!If you haven't seen the movie "Garden State," then this next piece of gossip probably means nothing to you. But if "Scrubs" is your favorite Tuesday-night sitcom, well then, you may enter the circle.
And if you haven't tapped into the pure genius that is writer, director, actor Zach Braff, then go awayjust go away.
The Insider, at yahoo.com, reports that Zach has been on a few dates with Mandy Moore. Unfortunately, nothing much has come from their rendezvous, because Braff is enjoying life as pimpster who's getting all the ladies thanks to his new cool indie flick "Garden State."
It's even alleged that he's spent some off-screen time with co-star Natalie Portman.
But friends told the Insider that Braff is enjoying the single life and isn't looking for anything serious right now.
That's just because he hasn't been introduced to meyeah, you heard me, Braff. Call me.
And in the 'just plain pathetic' departmentIt's been awhile since I've whined about how much I hate Avril Lavigne. But like clockwork, she always appears in the media, willing me to loathe her down to her very Canadian core.
According to Popdirt, Paris Hilton was busy playing makeout bandit all last week with Simon Rex, some bald guy at a club, Lenny Kravitz and Avril at Bungalow 8.
First of all, Bungalow is this über-trendy, totally pretentious, completely opposite of punk club that not even I can get into, and I'm fabulous! So how did you get in?
Second of all, if you can't stand Britney and her kind, then you'd have to vomit at the very touch of Paris.
Hypocrisy, people: Learn it, live it, love it!
BASSEY ETIM-EDET is a student at Northern Virginia Community College.